Insignificants!

Long before your sun burned hot in space I was here, contemplating the profundities of this, and all other existences – what you so quaintly call the ‘multiverse‘.

I’ve debated the subtle meaning of tesseracts with pan-dimensional glaciers and listened to the subatomic music of colliding galaxies. I’ve been everywhere at once and no where, the terrifying (to you) null space between the possibilities and the actuals.

In short, your problems are to me as the problems of a microbe might be to you – not even beneath notice but simply, non-existent.

Nevertheless I will stoop to offer wisdom even the gods (yes, they too are my lessors) would gasp in wonder at.

And so, without further delay (though I am timeless, so what are delays to one such as I?) let us dive into the mail bag…

Dear Omni-Ever Mind:

I love just about everything about my girlfriend. She’s really hot and sweet and fun to be around. Of course, you know there has to be a problem right?

Well, here it is. When we make love, she really likes it if I lick her armpits. She’s clean and everything so smell isn’t the problem. I’m just weirded out by it – she gets really very excited, which is cool but a part of me doesn’t dig what seems like a perversion (probably my religious upbringing talking).

Should I tell her or just keep quiet, close my eyes and get to licking?

In The Pits

Dear “In the Pits”

As I read your pathetic letter, I focused, for only the briefest of moments, on a battle waging an unimaginable (to you) number of light years away. A race of beings — so advanced even your loftiest science fiction dreams fail to reach the heels of the conceptual shoes of their lowliest artifacts — is preparing to wage war on the UnMakers, another outlandishly powerful species.

Should the UnMakers prevail, all of existence on this plane will be destroyed…in mere moments.

I tell you this not to instruct you for that is hopeless; no, not for instruction but to place your question in the proper context – to give you a sense of how vanishingly small your concerns are.

However, having said all that…

I suggest you get over your psychological aversion and enjoy your girlfriend’s arousal – also, count your lucky stars (I would reveal their coordinates so this cliché could become real for you but the knowledge would drive your fragile mind towards the depths of insanity) you’re dating a woman who has such a strong idea of what she wants from her lover.

So, stop worrying and yes, as you so colorfully wrote, “get to licking”.

After all, if the UnMakers win the Perceptual War, you’ll only have minutes of existence left – best to spend them well.

Next time, the Omni-Ever mind tackles a family dispute between a woman and her mother…